Building Healthy Marriages
Men and women have different needs. Brilliant, eh?! Dr. John Gray (author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus) talks about the differing, primary "love needs" of men and women. He lists 12 kinds of "love needs" in most people:
Women need to receive
1. Caring
2. Understanding
3. Respect
4. Devotion
5. Validation
6. Reassurance
Men need to receive
1. Trust
2. Acceptance
3. Appreciation
4. Admiration
5. Approval
6. Encouragement
Men typically need to be trusted and admired by their wives. Some wives, however, believe they are helping their husbands by suggesting changes to the way he does things. This typical wife views her criticism as honest feedback to assist his "growth" toward becoming the man she thinks he can become. But men almost always resist efforts by their wives to change them. When a woman tries to improve her man, he tends to hear a lack of acceptance, appreciation or approval. But when she gives him his "love needs," he will likely grow and develop because he has what is most important to his sense of well-being.
Women usually need their husbands to care for, understand and validate them. Some husbands, however, misunderstand what they should do when their wives talk about the things on their minds. This typical husband thinks that his wife wants him to fix her problems and solve her dilemmas. But she is not asking him to fix things! Rather, she needs him to listen and appreciate her thoughts and experiences, showing devotion and respect to her. He can reassure her by respecting and trying to understand her feelings, not by suggesting solutions.
Scripture taught these same principles long ago. In Ephesians 5:22-23, Paul wrote about the different responsibilities of husbands and wives. Wives are to "submit" to their husbands, just as the church is subject to Christ. Men need trust and approval from their wives. When they mess up, in general they need forgiveness and encouragement, not scolding. Husbands are commanded to love their wives, sacrificing themselves just as Christ gave up his life for the church. Women need caring and understanding. They need a husband who is devoted to them with his life and time, not just by doing jobs and fixing things.
May God bless our marriages!
Women need to receive
1. Caring
2. Understanding
3. Respect
4. Devotion
5. Validation
6. Reassurance
Men need to receive
1. Trust
2. Acceptance
3. Appreciation
4. Admiration
5. Approval
6. Encouragement
Men typically need to be trusted and admired by their wives. Some wives, however, believe they are helping their husbands by suggesting changes to the way he does things. This typical wife views her criticism as honest feedback to assist his "growth" toward becoming the man she thinks he can become. But men almost always resist efforts by their wives to change them. When a woman tries to improve her man, he tends to hear a lack of acceptance, appreciation or approval. But when she gives him his "love needs," he will likely grow and develop because he has what is most important to his sense of well-being.
Women usually need their husbands to care for, understand and validate them. Some husbands, however, misunderstand what they should do when their wives talk about the things on their minds. This typical husband thinks that his wife wants him to fix her problems and solve her dilemmas. But she is not asking him to fix things! Rather, she needs him to listen and appreciate her thoughts and experiences, showing devotion and respect to her. He can reassure her by respecting and trying to understand her feelings, not by suggesting solutions.
Scripture taught these same principles long ago. In Ephesians 5:22-23, Paul wrote about the different responsibilities of husbands and wives. Wives are to "submit" to their husbands, just as the church is subject to Christ. Men need trust and approval from their wives. When they mess up, in general they need forgiveness and encouragement, not scolding. Husbands are commanded to love their wives, sacrificing themselves just as Christ gave up his life for the church. Women need caring and understanding. They need a husband who is devoted to them with his life and time, not just by doing jobs and fixing things.
May God bless our marriages!
Comments